Like a White Flag
by readyfortigers
Summary: It's clementine season, my peach... Rated M to be safe.


_AN: Both the story title and summary come from the song "The La La Song" by Casey Dienel. Italics are past events. I've read over this a few times, and I apologize if I've missed any grammatical errors. Please review if you love it or hate it or find yourself to be completely apathetic. Constructive criticism makes the world go round (It's was the physicists don't want you to know). _:-)

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Effy doesn't like to watch them together. Doesn't want to see someone who isn't her making Emily smile. Doesn't want to be reminded of what she had and fucked up.

She wants to go back to when Emily was hers, when Emily would clench around her fingers with a drunken smile, completely sober. When Emily would text Effy just to tell her she missed her.

Effy wishes she could look at Emily without wanting to frap and cry in equal parts. She wants to blame Emily for never making her choose. Knows that there was never a choice; she would have dropped Cook long ago if Emily had asked. Knows that Emily would never ask because she couldn't trust that Effy would have chosen her. Knows Emily thought it was better to share Effy, than to lose her completely.

And again, that's Effy's fault. Because Emily made sure Effy knew, all the time. Because Emily cried as she ended whatever it was she had with Effy; wouldn't let Effy touch her because she knew she wouldn't be able to go through with it. Because Emily's face contorted with pain in response to Effy's whispered, "Baby, no," before she began crying harder. It's been almost two months, and it still hurts Effy. She knows it still hurts Emily.

Effy wants to erase last night when she came around to Emily's at two in the morning, more tattered than an old flag. Luckily, Emily had fallen asleep on the couch and heard Effy's drunken calls through the cat-flap. She'd hurried out the door bleary eyed and irate.

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"_For fuck sakes, Ef, do you know what time it is?" _

_Effy leaned in close, "I don't care," she said in a stage whisper._

"_Seems to be a recurring theme with you," Emily bit out._

_Effy stumbled back, forgot to look like she didn't give a damn for a few seconds. "Th-that's not fair, Emily."_

"_No," Emily looked at her breath evaporating in the cool are, "I suppose it's not, but neither-"_

"_I know." Effy swayed lightly in the crisp air. "I'm being completely selfish right now. Like I been for a while." _

"_Be an altruist and leave?" Emily offered with a bitter smile._

"_I miss you, Em." Effy blinked several times to stave off her tears. "I miss you so fucking much." _

"_Don't you mean, you miss fucking me so much?" _

_Effy frowned, but knew she deserved the hit. "I miss your smell. The way you taste. How you'd reach out and hold my hand just because."_

"_Effy, don't." Emily said, shaking. Effy didn't know if it was from the cold or the emotion, didn't know which one to hope for._

"_All I've been doing is not doing." Effy paused. "You know what I mean?" _

"_I don't think you know what you mean."_

"_I'm not good with words, and this conversations taking a lot out of me." _

"_Well, you can stop talking and--"_

"_Fuck, Ems, don't be a cow." _

"_Goodbye, Elizabeth," Emily sighed and made to return inside. _

_Effy stumbled forward and grabbed her wrist. _

"_Effy, please!" Emily yanked her wrist from Effy grasp, and gently rubbing at the soreness. "It's late. I'm cold and tired, and you've obviously had too much vodka."_

"_How do you know what I was drinking?"_

"_You're always right fucked from tequila, couldn't possibly walk let alone form words. You would need a lot more wine or beer, neither of which you drink without smoking, and you don't smell like an ashtray right now."_

"_No one else would have noticed."_

"_Well, no one else is as pathetic as I am."_

"_You're not."_

"_I don't know anyone else ass-backwards in love with someone who'd never love them back."_

"_You're not, Em."_

"_Fuck you, Ef. You've known exactly how I've felt for months."_

"_No, that's-"_

"_Did you come here just to make sure you'd broken me completely, Effy?" Emily asked, wiping away tears, arms wrapped tight around her small frame. "Jesus, you could have just asked. I've never lied to you before."_

_Effy stared at Emily before hesitantly taking the few steps toward her. She gently wrapped her arms around a quietly sobbing Emily and began to slowly rub her back. She tried to find the right words._

"_Emily, babe…" _

_Effy knew she'd said the wrong thing as Emily started sobbing in earnest, and she felt a warm wetness on her shoulder._

"_You're the only thing I ever really wanted, and I couldn't even…" Emily whispered into Effy's neck, twisting her hands inside Effy's jacket._

_Effy's mouth went dry as her stomach froze. "Em, you could. You did. I do." She pulled back and clumsily wiped at Emily's tears. "Fuck, Em…I love you."_

_Emily jumped back, hitting her head against the door, a pained look on her face. "You can't say that."_

"_Can, too. Just did."_

"_You're drunk."_

"_It's still true."_

"_You can't--" Emily exclaimed, then, perhaps thinking of she sleeping family, settled for a harsh whisper. "You can't just decide you love me after months of acting like I was just a good rumble."_

"_You're an amazing rumble." Effy corrected._

"_Really not the point." Emily said with a hollow laugh._

"_You're right.," Effy agreed before quickly invaded Emily's personal space and kissing her slowly, thoroughly. She used Emily's surprised gasp to slip her tongue past Emily's lips and smiled as Emily moaned low in the back of her throat. Effy let a hand slowly travel under Emily's thin top._

_Suddenly, Emily pushed her way, wiping her lips on her sleeve. _

"_You have no right, Elizabeth Stonem." Emily said, angrily. "I'm with some else now."_

_Effy just stared, body tingling, aching for more of Emily._

"_G'night." Emily said pointedly, before slipping inside her house._

_Effy blinked several times before slowly walking home, wishing Tony would be there._

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Effy wants to erase all the times she shrugged off the affection Emily showed her; she wishes would have kissed Emily without it being pretense for sex. Emily would kiss her for the sake of kissing her. She would kiss her proper, and put everything she felt into it. Effy feels her heart break a little more as she thinks of the last time she'd slept with Emily. She remembers Emily's smile right before she came, the whispered, "I love you," into Effy's shoulder. Effy stares at her hands, wishes she hadn't washed them, maybe then she could still smell Emily on them.

Effy laughs at how ridiculous her thoughts are, then winces from her hangover, which is worse than usual. The conversation really did exhaust her.

Curiosity gets the better of her, and she glances towards Emily again, and her breath catches for a bit when she sees that Emily's alone and headed her way. She manages to breathe again as Emily stops in front of her, all sleepy eyes and slight smile.

"You look like shit, Stonem."

"Better than I feel."

Emily chuckles, and Effy has to fight to ignore the pang of want that shoots through her belly.

"Did you mean what you said last night?"

"Yes," Effy says without pause.

"So, did I." Emily says in a tone that makes Effy's blood run cold.

Effy's eyes slip closed as Emily steps forward and gently kisses Effy's cheek. "Goodbye, Elizabeth," she whispers into Effy's ear. She's long gone by the time Effy opens her eyes.

Effy feels like throwing up, and it has nothing to do with her hangover.

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Also: The _Transatlanticism_ Series by Sivim27 is the most amazing Emily/Effy fic of all time. You should check it out. It's rated MA, so consider yourself warned.


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